I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
