I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
