I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
