Can i not drive my cunt home
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
