i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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