was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
