i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
