y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
