I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
