your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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