and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
