If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
