I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He felt like a one man threesome
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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