When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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