i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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