Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
