I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
