Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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