Are we in a gay sports bar?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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