I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
