I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
