I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
