I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
