I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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