Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
