So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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