i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They are going to name an STD after you.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
