Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
