He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
