u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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