proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
