that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
