Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
