A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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