My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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