Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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