I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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