You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
