i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
