When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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