her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
