They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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