fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
