i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
