I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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