i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
