i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Pants are for mortals
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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