so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
