pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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