you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
