These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
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Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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