Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
pray to the hookup gods
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
