i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
