Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
