She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
