i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
