you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
