I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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