took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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