Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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